Kristen Bellamy



The other day I went to the gym for the first time in, dare I say, 2015. When I arrived I could not believe all the people I ran into that I had not seen in ages. I guess that’s where “they” (the physically enlightened) have been hiding. Since this is the place I go to on a sagging to rising ass basis, it all seemed quite jarring so early in the morning. I saw the new Bond movie this week which described my workout philosophy perfectly. When they asked James “do you work out” he smoothly says “only when I have to.” I can’t tell you how much comfort I found in those five little words. I so relate. The rest of the world apparently does not. It seems as though all of my acquaintances have been hanging on by hanging out in the gym. So I guess that makes me late to the party. Anyway, when I ran into all of these people I realized that there was some sort of gym etiquette. For instance, one should not attempt to have a conversation with a person lifting heavy weights, never hug a person while you are sweaty, and wipe down all the equipment after you’re done.  If a person is attached to “their treadmill”, just move over one or a meltdown from the woman on your left may occur. Never engage in a conversation early in the morning with a person you haven’t seen in eons without moisturizer and lip gloss, especially an ex or current admirer. Which leads me to my final and last thought – Do not come to the gym in full drag and get makeup all over the equipment and towels. You do not look better than us, you just look like you are on Tinder.

While I am not a fan of the gym, I was quite colorfully entertained and my ass was on fire. Which made me feel, as I was leaving, like I got a twofer.

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